Does Biblical Headship Make a Fair Fight in Marriage Impossible?

I recently posted a set of rules for fighting fair in marriage. One of those rules, number 10, was that even in conflict we must uphold the biblical order of marriage: the husband is the head with real authority and responsibility, and the wife is his helper who submits to that leadership.

One person objected strongly. They said that if this is true, then all the other rules are meaningless. How can there be a fair fight? How can there even be an argument? How could a wife have any real say if she must submit? According to this objection, the wife has already lost every argument before it starts. No matter how right she is, she has no chance in a “patriarchal” belief system.

Here is my answer.

That objection only works if you have a very low view of authority and a very poor understanding of leadership.

Biblical authority does not mean that a husband never listens, never learns, or never changes his mind. Authority does not mean acting only on one’s own understanding. It does not mean silencing counsel. And it certainly does not mean that a wife has no voice, no influence, or no ability to persuade. Scripture explicitly teaches otherwise.

In 1 Peter 3, wives are told how they may win their husbands. Not by force, domination, or nagging, but by godliness, faithfulness, and a gentle and quiet spirit. A quiet spirit does not mean absolute silence. It refers to character, posture, and manner of speech, not the absence of speech. The very fact that Scripture speaks of a husband being “won” proves the objection false. You cannot win someone you are forbidden to speak to, reason with, or appeal to.

A good leader listens. Scripture says that in an abundance of counselors there is safety. When Solomon instructs his son, a future king, in wisdom, he repeatedly emphasizes the importance of counsel. He also speaks highly of a good wife and the benefit she is to her husband. Authority in Scripture is never opposed to counsel. It depends on it.

The real problem is that our culture has been badly catechized by feminism, so we tend to think there are only two options. Either no one truly leads, or authority means tyranny. In the first case, leadership still emerges, but it is chaotic, informal, and often far uglier. In the second case, authority is reduced to unchecked power. Neither of these is biblical.

Set marriage aside for a moment and think about leadership anywhere else. A good captain listens to his officers. A good manager has an assistant manager. They may argue. They may disagree strongly. But at the end of the day, someone bears responsibility and makes the decision.

Watch Master and Commander. It is one of the best films ever made about authority. The captain has real authority—authority bestowed by his position and earned by his character. He makes hard decisions. But he also has a doctor under his command who speaks freely. The doctor challenges him, argues with him, and influences him. The captain often changes course because of it. This does not undermine his authority. It strengthens it. The disagreements are often handled privately, with respect, and with the good of the ship in mind. And yet, at the end of the day, he is still the captain.

Marriage is not a one-for-one parallel—actually, it is greater because of its intimacy—but it works in a similar way. A husband who leads biblically does not seek to silence his wife. She is his most trusted counselor. He hears her arguments, weighs her reasoning, and when he is wrong, he repents and changes course. At the same time, authority still exists. He bears responsibility. He must decide. And because the wife trusts him and, more importantly, trusts God, she follows him, even when leadership is imperfect.

God has ordered this responsibility to the husband. That is His design. And because it is His design, it does not produce chaos, oppression, or silence when practiced rightly.

So no, upholding biblical headship does not make fair fighting in marriage impossible. It makes it possible. It provides an order where truth can be pursued, sin can be addressed, arguments can actually be resolved, and unity can be restored.

This may not be how modern people want to think about authority. Our age treats power as a zero-sum game where someone must lose. But biblical authority is different. When a man leads under God and a woman submits in faith, everyone wins.

Not a lose-lose.
A win-win.