The Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage
In my pastoral counseling of married couples, I have found that the problem is not always that couples fight, but that they either do not fight enough about the right things or they do not fight fairly.
Many couples avoid conflict by sweeping issues under the rug. Instead of addressing sin, frustrations, and problems as they arise, they allow resentment to build quietly over time. Eventually, a tipping point is reached, and when the conflict finally erupts, it is no longer about the original issue. The fight becomes about accumulated bitterness, wounded pride, and unresolved hurt.
Healthy marriages require the right kinds of conflict. Husbands must be willing to address sin and problems with courage and clarity, without passivity or harshness. Wives must engage those conversations with honesty, respect, and a gentle spirit, without withdrawing in silence or resorting to nagging. Not every issue deserves a fight, but the things that matter must be dealt with.
Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Sin makes it so. The question is not whether a couple will fight, but whether they will fight in a way that honors God and strengthens the marriage rather than poisoning it.
For that reason, couples must not only fight about the right things, they must also fight fairly. What follows are rules for fighting in marriage in a way that is truthful, godly, and constructive.
The Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage
1. No physical violence and no destruction of property
This includes slamming doors, throwing objects, or using size and strength to intimidate.
2. The D Word is forbidden
Never threaten divorce. Never say you hate your spouse. Those words poison a marriage even if you later try to take them back.
3. No insults or character assassination
Especially no weaponizing family members. “You are just like your mom” is not helpful. Avoid “forever” words like “you always” or “you never.”
4. Stick to the issue at hand
Do not make the fight about everything from the past or every irritation you have ever had. Stay on topic.
5. No checking out
Do not shut down, stonewall, or emotionally abandon the conversation. Walking away to avoid responsibility is not peacekeeping, it is cowardice.
6. Timeouts are allowed, abandonment is not
Either spouse may call a break if things are getting too heated. That break must include a clear commitment to resume the conversation. This rule cannot be used to dodge hard issues.
7. No mind-reading or motive assigning
Do not accuse your spouse of intentions they have not stated. Ask questions. Clarify. Assume charity until proven otherwise.
8. Admit sin quickly and clearly
No excuses. No “I’m sorry, but.” Confess, repent, and forgive as Christians, not as negotiators.
9. Fight for truth, godliness, and the good of your spouse
The purposes of conflict are to expose sin, clarify reality, and move both spouses toward obedience to Christ. You are fighting for their good, not your ego.
10. Uphold biblical order in the fight
Husbands must lead with clarity, courage, and self-control, neither passive nor harsh.
Wives must engage with respect and a gentle spirit, neither manipulative nor contemptuous.
11. Enjoy the reconciliation
God designed restoration after conflict to be good. Let forgiveness be real, affectionate, and complete. Enjoy marital intimacy (that’s the fun part).